I Always Know
by peters.kitten
Summary: I had always been different. My own mother was terrified of me. She would never know what I gave up so she could live her perfect little life. She would never know that she would have died ten times over if it wasn't for me. But I knew. I Always Know. O/S


Happy Sunday my lovlies! No, this is not an update to My Dying Wish. However, I was told that this is a fascinating look into my very twisted mind. Special thanks to Anne and to my fucktastic Mistress Krystena. Spank me wifey, I have been soooo naughty this week.

This is a story that got stuck in my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote the damn thing. If you've read my other story, you'll know that I had Bella give Jasper the excuse that she had visions. That led to me wondering what Bella would be like if she had indeed had visions her whole life. How would her character change? How would her interactions with her family change? And then this o/s idea beat me over the head, demanding that I write it, until I finally gave in and typed it out. So here it is, my twisted version of what Bella would be like if she had visions in the form of dreams.

Warning: This one shot is rated MATURE like all my other work is. There is gore, language, and the mention of a rape scene. This story is intended for beings 18 years and older, peeps, so don't say that I didn't warn you if I fry your poor little kitty brains. Enjoy! Oh yeah, and SM still owns, so please don't sue me. It wouldn't be worth your effort, I promise you ;)

**I Always Know**

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**Bella** **POV**

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I had always been different. I was four when Renee lost control of her facial expressions just long enough for me to see. She was scared of me. Terrified, even. That was the day that I refused to go to pre-school.

_"I can't go to school today," I insisted. "London bridge will fall and kill us all." _

_"I'm going to break that damn sing-a-long cd in half next time I see it," she muttered under her breath. Then louder said, "Bella, that was just a song, honey. Just a silly little rhyme. Now, hurry up or we're going to be late."_

_"No," I stated firmly. The water would be so cold and I couldn't swim. _

_"Isabella Marie Swan," she started, but I ran upstairs to hide before she could finish. I didn't like making Mommy mad. But I didn't like the cold water even more. _

_Mommy was still yelling. She would come looking for me soon. I opened my bedroom door and then slammed it hard, hoping to fool Mommy into thinking that's where I'd gone. Then I quietly opened the door to the small closet that held the big round thing that Mommy said made our water hot. I wedged myself back behind it, and waited. _

_I heard Mommy come up the stairs and go to my bedroom. I stayed hidden, being extra quiet just like when I played hide-and-seek. After a long time, the door finally opened. Oh boy. Mommy was mad._

_"Isabella Marie Swan, you get your butt out of that closet right now! Your going to be late for school and I'm already late for work. You are grounded, young lady. No games, no television, and definitely no music. What were you thinking? Do you want me to lose my job?"_

_"No, Mommy!" I exclaimed. I knew what would happen if Mommy lost her job. I always know. "But I don't like the cold water and I can't swim!" I finished, tears rolling down my cheek. Stupid tears. I hated crying. It always made it where I couldn't breathe out my nose._

_"Bella we are go-" she started, but was interrupted by the ringing of our phone. "We aren't done here," she promised, carrying me down the stairs and into the living room. She answered the phone, listened for a second, and then she gasped. She grabbed for the remote, her shaking fingers using it to turn on the t.v. _

_"This is Karen Odom reporting for Eyewitness News 5, and as you can see behind me, I am currently on location at what used to be Highwater Bridge. This bridge was once one of two bridges located on this stretch of London Road, but is now a scene of chaos. Highwater Bridge collapsed at 7:50 this morning, sending several cars plunging into the icy depths below. No numbers have been released at this time, but this bridge is located just a mile from Precious Angels Preschool and police believe that some of those children won't be making it in this morning. Divers are gearing up..."_

_That was when it happened. Mommy looked at me, and I could tell she was scared. I tried to walk up to her and give her a hug, but she backed away. That was when I knew. Mommy was scared...of me. _

I kept my dreams to myself after that. Renee was hesitant with me for a few weeks afterwards, but she eventually dismissed the whole ordeal as a crazy coincidence. She did make good on her promise to get rid of my cd, though. The next 'incident' happened eight years later, when I was 12.

_"You can't go to work today, Mom," I stated, as I carefully cut up a pepper to put in my omelet. We were currently living in Nevada, and Renee had a job as a bank teller._

_"Bella, that's ridiculous. I can't just miss work on a whim. Besides, last time I called in, Henry told me that he'd fire me if I missed another day this year." Henry wouldn't care about anything after today, but I knew Renee wouldn't believe me if I told her that. _

_"Sure, Mom, whatever," I told her, wincing as the knife sliced deeply through my skin. Just a little bit more, I told myself as I buried it even deeper. This had become a fairly common occurrence when dealing with Renee. Thankfully my actual clumsiness, which anyone with eyes could see, provided a perfect cover for all the times that I had to purposely injure myself to steer Renee out of one bad situation or another._

_"Shit!" I screeched, squeezing and waving my finger to spread the blood around. Renee hated blood. _

_"Isabella, watch your language," she scolded, two seconds before she saw the blood. "Shit!"_

_"Watch your language, Mom," I told her dryly, fighting the urge to laugh. I needed her to take my injury seriously after all. "I cut it pretty deep."_

_"Let me see," she said, wrapping a paper towel around it to clean the excess blood away. "Holy crow, Bella, you about cut the damn thing off!" I knew it wasn't quite that bad, but it was deep enough to need a few stitches, which was what I had aimed for._

_"Here," I told her, tossing her my cell phone. "Take some pictures of it for GiGi. She can't fire you if you show her these, not without you being able to sue. Gah, I'm such a klutz."_

_"That's a good idea," she admitted, snapping picture after picture. "But why would I show GiGi? It's Henry that I'm worried about. GiGi just fills in for him when he's gone."_

_"Yeah, sure Mom. That's what I meant," I muttered, trying hard not to pass out from the smell of my blood. I was such a freak._

_Renee took me to the hospital, and we sat in the waiting room for hours. Seriously, it was a good thing that my finger had stopped bleeding, or I'd be dead from blood loss. Eventually my name was called, and my finger was stitched. The doctor joked about how I was his number one patient and I smiled and ducked my head. _

_In these instances, I was thankful for my tendency of tripping over smooth surfaces. It meant that the doctors never batted an eye or gave a spare thought to just about any injury I came in with. Very convenient, that._

_The next day Renee came home from work pale as a ghost. She glanced at me warily, before plopping down on the couch. I had purposely kept her busy yesterday, turning the ringer off the phone and keeping the tv off. I knew what she had found out today._

_"I showed those pictures to GiGi, Bella," Renee said softly. I sighed. Guess it was time to scare my mother again. _

_"I know," I told her quietly. I always know. _

_"There was an armed robbery at the bank yesterday. Henry and another teller were shot. Henry didn't make it through the night. Emma is still alive, but she's in critical condition. " She was staring at me, trying to read my face. I simply nodded, waiting for her to continue. _

_"Emma was my fill-in, Bella. She was working the same register that I would have been if I'd been there," she whispered, her teary eyes still boring into mine. Time to pay the piper._

_"It would have killed you. Your shorter than she is, and the bullet would have killed you instantly. Emma will live. You wouldn't have," I told her, unapologetic. If it came to a choice between my mother or a stranger, I would choose my mother every time and damn the bitch that thought otherwise. _

_I'd seen it all; torture, death, rape. I saw some kind of death or destruction every single time I closed my eyes. My sleep was filled with visions of the future, always one horrible sight after another. Never happiness. My dreams didn't do happy. I had witnessed the worst happen to Renee and myself so many times that somewhere along the line I had turned against the rest of the world. In my mind, it was us against them. I would do anything to keep my mother safe. Anything._

_"Emma is my friend, Bella," my mother whispered, shocked, I'm sure, at how callous I was being about the whole ordeal._

_"Would you have rather died?" I asked her bluntly. "Because that is what would have happened. Trust me, I know. I always know."_

_"London bridge," she murmured, tears flowing freely down her face. She looked up at me and asked the question I'd been waiting for. "How do you know?"_

_"I dream. My dreams are filled with visions of the future, possible scenarios that could happen if I did one thing or changed another. Sometimes just things that could happen, other times events that will definitely happen, like the bridge falling or the earthquake in California."_

_"My God," she breathed. "That earthquake took out the whole apartment complex that we used to live in. You punched my boss's kid in the face and I lost my job so we had to move. You did it on purpose, didn't you? You knew."_

_"I always know," I answered honestly. _

That was six years ago. There had been a few other instances, but Renee always listened to me after that. As I grew older and my visions grew stronger, she grew more frightened of me. She didn't want to be around me, but didn't know how to get rid of me. I made her decision for her when I told her that she was going to meet Phil. I told her that she would be very happy with him, and that he was her perfect match.

She was hesitant at first, of course, because I'd never told her about anything positive that I'd seen in my visions. She questioned me about it, and I simply told her that it was the first positive thing that I'd ever seen and that maybe my visions were starting to shift. What I didn't tell her, was that in 3 years they would both die together in a horrible plane crash. At least she'd have over two Bella-free years to be happy in.

I felt betrayed, of course. I'd spent my whole life doing nothing but protecting Renee and now she wanted to get rid of me. I never told her that her sleeping pills blocked the dreams. I discovered it when I was 14 years old. I was so happy then. I'd found a solution. I wouldn't be a freak anymore and my mother would love me again.

_Five nights in a row, I had taken them. Not a single dream. My mother could tell from my happier attitude that something had changed. I simply told her that my visions had stopped. She was so fucking happy that she cried. She hugged me and she cried. It was a good five days. We went shopping at the mall, and Renee even took me to one of her pottery classes. It was the best five days of my life. So, of course, on the sixth day, life just had to bend me over and fuck me. _

_I had never considered that without my visions, bad shit could happen and I wouldn't know. I was just so damn happy to be rid of them that I never seriously sat down and thought through the ramifications of my actions. But that all changed on the sixth day. _

_Renee had gone to a club with one of her girlfriends, so I had the house to myself. I popped some popcorn and stuck in one of the five dvds that Renee had rented me. I was ready to get my movie on._

_Three hours later and I was bushed, desperately trying to stay awake to watch the ending of my second movie. I didn't succeed, and for that I will be forever thankful. _

_I witnessed it all in quick flashes; Renee walking out of the club alone to retrieve her forgotten cell phone out of the car, a tall black man pushing her up against it, clothes ripping, my mothers stifled screams as the man brutally took what he wanted, his groan of pleasure when he finished, a horrid gurgling sound as he slashed her throat, and then silence as her body crumpled to the ground and the man made his get-away. _

_Using my hard-earned control, I rewound the vision back to the beginning, pausing it on the man as he walked up behind my mother. I blocked everything else out but what I needed; the time. I concentrated on the watch on the males wrist, slowly focusing my entire vision around it. Oh so slowly, I zoomed in on it, finally seeing the time that this atrocity would occur. 1:13 a.m. _

_I needed to wake up. I needed to warn Renee. So I did the only thing that was certain to wake me up. I died. I made the decision to go get Renee's gun and end it all. My vision shifted, and I saw myself walking to my mother's bedroom, and pulling her gun out of the drawer in her nightstand. I watched myself as I slowly loaded a single bullet, pressed the gun to my head, and pulled the trigger. Then I watched as hair and skin, and brains and blood exploded out and covered the room._

_I woke up gasping, hands automatically running through my hair, checking for the bullet wound that I knew wouldn't be there. It wasn't real. It was just a dream. Get yourself together, Bella, I commanded myself. _

_I hefted my still disoriented self off the couch and sprinted to the kitchen to get my cell phone. Renee didn't keep clocks hanging in our house; she said they made her feel pressed for time. We always just relied on our cell phones. I grabbed my phone off the counter and flipped it open. It was 12:58 a.m._

_I had 15 minutes. The club was over 30 minutes away, my moms cell was in her car, her friend didn't have a phone, and the club didn't take personal calls. I called the police, praying they would get there in time. I told them that there was a strange man in the parking lot of the club and that he had tried to rape me. I told them I was hiding behind a car on the west side of the parking lot and that he was looking for me. I begged them to hurry. The dispatcher informed me that an officer was in the area and would arrive on scene within 7 minutes. I breathed a sigh of relief, and quickly hung up. _

_I stayed up until Renee got home early that morning. She took one look at me and her shoulders slumped. _

_"You started having those damn dreams again, didn't you?" she accused, her hostility openly showing due to the alcohol in her system. _

_"Yes, Renee, I did," I said warily. She would never know everything that I did for her. She would never know what I gave up to make sure she lived her perfect little life._

Renee met Phil and they immediately hit it off, just as I knew they would. They married and I told her that I would be going to live with Charlie. She fussed about it and made all the right noises, but I could tell that she was ecstatic.

And that was how I ended up here, in Bumfuck, Washington. Charlie was already asleep, I could hear his light snores from where I laid on my own bed. I was extremely bitter. How could Renee do this to me? I had spent my whole life loving her and protecting her, only to have her hate and resent me.

I sighed, wiping away the hot tears that were streaming down my face. Life was so unfair. Especially my life. Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn't be better to just...no, Bella. Don't go there. I rolled over and burrowed deeper into the covers. Lets see what horrors awaited me tonight.

The dream that followed seemed to go on forever, which, at the time, was just fine with me. Hope was awakened within me as I experienced a world where vampires and visions and mind reading were normal, not given any second thoughts. I wasn't a freak in this world, I was simply accepted for who and what I was.

I didn't even have to watch out for myself, because Edward took care of me. There was no more self harm to get myself out of one situation or another. I simply trusted Edward, and he never let me down. This was truly the best vision I had ever experienced. Maybe fate, the fickle bitch that she is, was finally cutting me some slack. I deserved happiness too, didn't I?

Then the vision shifted to a baseball game, and I got my first glimpse of the nomads. I was terrified that this would be the big bad awful that my visions usually concluded at, so I was pleasantly surprised when the vision continued on. I watched everything, wincing slightly at the ballet studio scene. But just like before, Edward saved me. He promised me he would never leave.

I fell in love with him even more in that moment. No one had ever promised to stay with me. No one had ever wanted me forever. But I was positive that Edward did. And it wasn't just Edward that I loved, it was his whole family. I fell in love with the whole family aspect. It was something that I had never experienced before. They all, well mostly all, accepted me wholeheartedly into their family, a family that would last for eternity. They accepted me for who I was, though I never did confess my dirty little secret to them. Funny how I was so sure that they would accept me, yet I never told them my one true secret.

I watched happily as my 18th birthday approached, and Alice threw a party for me. These people went out of their way to take care of me, and it made me simply euphoric. Never had I been happier- and that should have been my warning. Fate can't stand to see me happy. I had known that little fact for a while now. After all, I always know.

My party came and went with Edward saving me once again. I didn't blame Jasper, it was in his nature as a vampire to want to eat me. The days following my party is when shit rapidly went to...well, shit. And then came the day that Edward asked me to take a walk. I heard the words spewing from his mouth, but I simply couldn't comprehend them.

_He didn't want me...didn't love me anymore?_ **-** But he promised me he would stay.

_His world wasn't for me?_ **-** No world would ever be for me, if he wasn't in it.

_He didn't want me to come with him?_ **-** I would have willingly followed him anywhere.

_He was tired of pretending?_ **-** Nothing was pretend for me, my heart had belonged to him since before I even met him.

_I'm not good for him and he's let this go on much too long?_ **-** Is that all I was to him, a poor pathetic human who is not good enough for him, but was good enough to provide an excellent distraction, a 'pretend' relationship to test his control.

_I promise that this will be the last time that you see me...it will be as if I'd never existed._ **-** You will wish those words were true when I'm finished with you, Edward Cullen.

I felt empty, numb. Numb. What a word. I thought I knew the definition of the word, knew the meaning behind it. But nothing, especially mere words, could have prepared me for this nothingness, this soul wrenching emptiness that consumed my emotions. I felt as if a dementor had come to me and sucked away my very soul, leaving nothing behind but an empty, worthless shell.

I felt cold, dead inside. To go from having everything that I'd ever wanted, ever needed, simply handed to me, to losing it all with a single conversation was bittersweet, to say the least. They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I wasn't so sure. My life had always been shitty, and I had never experienced true happiness before I met Edward.

If I would never have met him, I would never have anything better to compare my old life to. I would have went on living my shitty little existence, none the wiser that I could actually be happy and fit in somewhere. Sure, it would have been a crappy life, but at least I would have been alive in it.

For I knew in my heart that I couldn't go back to living like I had been. Edward had shown me what it really felt like to live and love, and nothing or no one would ever be able to compare to him. Even if it was all just a lie to him. It was real to me.

My vision continued and I saw months of my life pass by in pain and agony, waiting for Edward to return to me. He never would, but that didn't mean another of his kind didn't. I watched as Laurent walked into the meadow, slowly creeping towards me. We talked for a while before his patience abandoned him and he closed in on me. My vision went black, and I woke up just before he sunk his teeth into me.

So many emotions had been introduced to me in such a short period of time that I felt completely and totally overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. But that didn't mean that I couldn't feel the pain. He betrayed me, just like Renee had, only Edward promised me that he would never leave me. He was supposed to be my eternity. He was supposed to take care of me always.

But it was all a lie to him. I was just a convenient distraction to pass his time. I was just a stupid human to play games with; more a pet to him than anything else. Not just to him, but to them. I was just a pet to them all. The rest of them left without a single word. I guess I wasn't so accepted in their family after all, now was I. Just one more world that I didn't fit into.

And it hurt. Sweet hells, how it fucking hurt. I had never experienced pain like this before. My heart felt as if it had been ripped from my fucking chest. The pain didn't stop when I awoke. I still felt it, my blood still boiled with it. It was...agony. Is this what it felt like to have loved and lost? If so, why would anyone willingly subject themselves to this torture? By looking for love, they simply opened themselves up for this...torment.

I glanced at the clock and saw that I needed to start getting ready for school or I'd be late. I got up and got dressed, wearing the exact same clothes that I had in my vision. I brushed my hair and grabbed my keys. I was walking out the door towards my truck when his words flooded my mind.

_Your number was up the first time I met you. _

I remembered his violent black glare that first day...and a plan started to form in my head. I ran back up to my room and grabbed the single item that I would need. I pocketed it and smiled. Then I ran back out the door and hopped in my truck. Vengeance would be mine and it would be sweet.

I made it to school and to my first class unscathed. Mr. Mason gave me the reading list and I glanced down to see what I already knew would be there. I always know, after all. I kicked back and waited until the teacher started to drone on, before I allowed myself to zone out. I knew that I wouldn't be called on and the bell would bring me out of my...thoughts.

I laid my head down on my desk and closed my eyes. And then I done something that I had only successfully attempted a handful of times. I drew myself into a vision. I had only recently learned to do this, and it took me months to accomplish it the first time. Today it came to me easily, fueled by my pain and rage. I watched as vision after vision flashed before me, shifting as my decisions changed, until I finally discovered the most impacting outcome.

And then I tried something that I'd never before attempted: I tried to push my vision beyond my own death. And I succeeded. I kept it up the rest of the hour, the bell ringing finally bringing me back to reality. It was alright, though. I had all the information that I needed. My course was set, and so soon would Edwards be as well.

I ignored Eric's endless rambling, and walked past him to my Government class, smiling the whole way. Soon...very soon. The rest of the morning passed quickly, and in exactly the same way that it had in my first vision with one exception. When Mr. Varner asked me to stand in front of the class and introduce myself, I politely declined. He informed me that I would be staying after school for detention and I giggled, yes actually fucking giggled, in his face. If only he knew what I knew...what I always know.

Lunch came and went with me taking special precautions never to glance at any of the Cullens, and then the bell rang and it was time for Biology. Show-time. Mr. Banner signed my slip and I slowly made my way to my desk. I glanced up and allowed myself to look at him for the first time. He was even more stunning in person. I gazed into his solid black eyes and smiled hesitantly. Seeing him was bittersweet. I felt my love for him soar, a mere second before my pain and hatred towards him encompassed me, and I resigned myself to stick to the plan. We would be together in the end, together for all eternity.

I saw the calculating glint in his eyes, and I knew he was determining the best way to get at my blood. Go ahead, Edward, I silently told him. I sat down in my seat and made the first change. I leaned in towards him, making sure to flip my hair so my scent hit him full on. If possible, his rigid form stiffened even further. I saw him glance around the room once more, and I knew it was time to strike. I leaned even closer to him.

"Witnesses first," I breathed. "I'll wait. Hell, I'll even help." And then I pulled the last piece of the equation out of my pocket; my handy dandy pocket knife. I opened it up and pressed the very tip of the blade against my finger, and then ever so slightly applied pressure until I saw a single drop of crimson form. Just enough to guarantee Edward's interest, but not too much that he killed me right that instant. And then I sit back and watched the scene unfold.

The students on the right side of the room were dead within seconds; their heads hanging limply at this angle or that. The girl in front of me went to scream, just as I knew she would. I always know, after all. I grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head into her desk, knocking her out cold. She would be the last to die; an afterthought, really.

The rest of the room quickly endured the same fate, and within seconds it was just the two of us. I stood up and smiled at him, tipping my head to the side and exposing my neck in a silent invitation. He strode purposefully towards me, wrapping me up in his arms when he got close enough. I reveled in being in his arms. It was heaven and hell all wrapped into one big masochistic package. He gently kissed my lips, before once again exposing my neck. This was it. My version of a happy ending.

His teeth sunk into my skin, and I inadvertently stiffened. It hurt, really hurt. But it was nothing compared to the emotional pain that I had felt all day. After a few seconds, I felt him still and that was when I knew he had broken through into my thoughts. That was when I hit him hard, not physically, but mentally. I gave him a very quick run down of my visions, and then started feeding my memories to him, memories of him and me together. I replayed every single conversation, every touching moment, every single thought of how much I would have loved him.

I stopped right before my 18th birthday party. I was weak by this point, and I knew the end was near. Edward had stopped drinking, and was staring down at me in horror. I could hear him whispering "Oh God, love, I'm so sorry" over and over. I smiled as I looked up into his face. And then I dealt the final blow.

"I love you, Edward, forever and always. I forgive you," I murmured, trying to get my hand to stroke his cheek one last time. His anguished cry echoed throughout the room. I knew I had him then. His guilt would be epic, as would his end. The Volturi would have a hell of a time cleaning up the mass slaughter that he would commit on national television. I smiled as my vision blurred and I took my last breath.

"You knew," he murmured, looking down at me with wide anguish-filled eyes. I tried to smile at him. We would be together forever now, even if it was in Hell. He would join me soon. Very soon. It would only be a matter of time.

"I always know," I exhaled, and then I was enveloped in death's chilling embrace.

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The End...Literally. Time to hit that **Review** button and let me know what you thought about my very first o/s. And yes, I am aware that my mind is a very dark, twisted place, lol.


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